A week or so ago, I was experiencing deeper and deeper change. But, it seems the harder I try to get up and find time for meditation, I fail over and over again. By the time I get done with school and work, I am so desperate for a break from anything that I HAVE to do. I just attempted to do the Track #4. Once I got my daddy’s face in my visualization, and was supposed to add the light above his head to cleanse my thoughts, his face faded away. I wrote this out of frustration: “Is there no quietness for me? Not ONE minute in one day to meditate and become the person I so desire to be? The vision of my father is the one I chose to be my mentor in the visualization. As the time came for the beam of light over his head, the vision of him faded completely away. The more stress I feel around me, the less quietness it feels I have. When will I find the time during the day to be alone?
When I am trying to get work done, it seems everyone else has their own agenda….regardless of the urgency to get all of my work done. “Moma, I can’t find the glass I had all day today.” “What time is it? Tell me when it gets to be 11:15 if I happen to go to sleep.” “Moma, is daddy going to work tonight?””Moma can I sleep with you?” “Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, HA! HA! HA!” “He took my candy.” “Who took my candy?” All with the t.v. blaring in the background, no matter how many times I have turned the blasted thing off and expressed just how much it takes away from my concentration to get work done, MUCH LESS MEDITATE!! What am I going to do? Just when I get the biggest load of work in school AND work, my husband takes on another day of his children visiting who are never satisfied with what they are doing at the moment…they are ALWAYS BORED….ALWAYS looking for SOMETHING ELSE TO DO!! Them, along with mine are lively, energetic and LOUD. What am I going to do?
My life has been so chaotic over the past year, I hardly know whether I am coming or going or what to do with my life anymore. I came here in very high hopes of attaining happiness and a father for my children and a husband here for me. The latter two have been accomplished, but am I happy is the question? Will I ever be happy is the million dollar question here. How can I achieve contentedness? Will I ever listen and apply the things my wise classmates are TRYING to help me through? I apologize, I am so on edge it is unreal!! Is this normal when we are becoming more aware of our innerselves? As the speaker says, I take it he is Dacher, Noisy as a waterfall because of the awareness of our inner self? The noise is louder, annoying, but this waterfall will turn into a rushing mountain stream, then to a lazy river, then a river uniting with a deep ocean.
I have to do as he suggests and find a guide. I want them to look into my eyes. I want them to hear my experience(s). I NEED them to guide me to do what I need to do, to hold my hand through this, to keep me accountable. I thought I had a mentor, but she is gone on vacation right now and will be gone for a month, but does want to help to teach me things regarding health, acupuncture and massage.
2) I cannot help others until I reach this flourishing for myself. It is just like a person close to us has died. We cannot go to a person and tell them we know how they feel, not even if we have had a person close to us to die, because we have not walked in their shoes. But, if we go through this process of maturity and reach human flourishing, we will be able to recognize opportunities for growth in another, because we will have been through that ourselves. We do have an obligation to our clients to develop and be at our best in our psyche, our physical body and our spiritual body. Look at it like this: One day, I went to a popular doctor in town to get some diet pills that everyone else was swearing by worked. I walked into his office and he was literally hanging off the sides of his desk. He had to be over 400 pounds!! How could I believe in a miracle drug that would help me to lose weight, if the doctor who sat on the other side of the table, ready to give me a prescription (for him to get a cut of the monopoly) to lose weight….is 3 or 4 times BIGGER than I AM!!! We cannot help others in all of these areas, if we ourselves are not healthy as we preach.
Good golly girl, take a breath. In fact take a deep cleansing breath. You have to breathe anyway so make it conscious. When all the chaos you are surrounded with seems overwhelming, stop and breathe. Not the shallow gulps we have come to do but an intentional deep from the abdomen, filling it and expanding it until your belly is so tight it might pop. Hold it. Then slowly release it, let it flow out of you, until you think your belly is touching your spine. Only think about your breathing. Do this until you are calm.
ReplyDeleteSee you do have time to meditate.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Close your eyes and turn off your senses for just a moment. Simply breathe. Focus on the air coming in and going out. It brings with it life and the promise of revitalization. Exhaling releases the waste, excess, and unneeded stress. Some days that is all there is time for, but it is a start. You may have to lock yourself in a closet for two or three minutes to accomplish this (believe me the kids suddenly become quiet when they see Mom going into the closet ☺). Never stop moving forward. It may be in baby steps, but they count. Try again, when it all connects it will be worth the effort.
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